My married coworker is hitting on me and I'm not sure what to do (srs - serious replies appreciated)

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I'm not asking for an interpretation on whether or not she wants me. She may mention an event coming up that she is interested in and invite you to join her. Think about how you would feel if you found that she was having an affair and if she was lying to you.

So she looks around to see who might be available and she asks the LW to go to the gala with her and makes it all seem reasonable but with her further moves she most likely has been after a relationship with him from the start. As critical as touching normally is, unwanted advances can lead to some serious repercussions.

How to Tell If a Coworker Wants More Than Friendship

There are many friendships throughout my office. It is a very casual workplace. Many of my coworkers and I hang out socially. But being the only female on the job, I find I do receive a little more attention than I would like. There is a guy at the office who I feel has begun to encroach on my personal space. I have told him that I do not enjoy when people hover over my workspace, yet he continues to linger. I also drive him and another colleague home after work and he continuously asks to hang out, which is a nice gesture but I would rather do other things with my time, but there are only so many times I can be noncommittal. When I am unable to drive him home from work, he still walks me to my car. All very nice, but I am feeling smothered. I am getting the romantic vibe, yet I am not attracted to him. It seems to me that he does not have too many friendships outside of our working circle. How do I let him down without having feelings hurt all the while avoiding awkwardness, and keeping my personal space? And yes, sure, people should pick up on cues, but not everyone does. I like to keep work separate from my personal life. Again, you are going to feel rude, most likely. Say no, and say it clearly. But she needs to just tell him directly, like suggested. The thing to keep in mind is that she cannot control his reaction and needs to know that if he acts like a big baby about it moody, etc. That is all on him. Take care of yourself. Not because they want your body. We all have our own rose-colored glasses. Without hard and fast rules, all we can do is try our best to be fair and do right by each other. Sometimes I wonder if these people were raised by wolves. But I imagine this happens to men dealing with socially awkward women as well!!! He insisted she had been flirting with him. By our mid-20s lots of us just stop being friendly. For some people, though, they treat every incident as isolated from the others. For the most part guys are direct when we want something. We get to the point. Women for whatever reason drop hints that they may or may not be interested, hints on what gifts they want, hints on where they want to go. Same with my friends. I think the venue and how I act paying, etc makes it clear that it is a date without that word being used. No one says that anymore. If a guy I worked with asked me to hang out just the two of us I would be a bit worried that he had romantic interests in me. I think that is pretty direct. However if I still wanted to be friends with him I would go but make it clear if his advances continued while we were hanging out that I would be only interested in being friends. But what do I know. That perspective just really interests me. But I think it comes down to what the rejection actually is. That is very vague. Depending on the girl it could mean ask for another time, or it could mean I have no interest in you. However I take a different approach, I am direct. I know every woman cannot adopt this stance for their own reasons but I hate to see women feel like they have to because they are scared of a negative response. A woman who has received negative attention after being direct about romantic interest or the lack thereof whether with a friend, a stranger in a bar, or a man on the street corner may be hesitant to risk having something similar happen at work. Hostile or aggressive behavior from someone you can choose never to see again is one thing, but from someone who you have no choice but to see every single day? Someone who may one day have influence over your career? Look at the statistics on violence against women based on rejection. I hope this provides a bit of perspective. You and many other readers will likely disagree with my assessments, but I wanted to put it out there. Makes things much easier for everyone and takes out any doubt. Women who are blunt get punished in ways that women who are more vague are not. An explanation is not necessarily the same as a justification or an excuse. I tend towards the blunt, myself, especially since I had self-defense training that emphasized the importance of clearly stating the offense and what you want the offender to do about it. That is sexual assault. Remove your hand now. I can count on one hand the number of guys who were nice and sane when I said no. I think the persistence happens, in a lot of cases, when they really really really like someone. Like you were saying, they are so wrapped in up looking for that yes, they ignore the obvious no. And we are so wrapped up in looking for that job offer, we scrutinize every tiny thing from interviewers. Some people just play by a different set of rules. Otherwise, you just make a socially awkward situation worse, and nobody wins. Unlike the case in question, I think my default in the absence of hint-reading or direct answer is assuming women are not interested. Because I think being aware of the potential for this is really key. Is it always or even usually in mind when interacting — no. As far as I know this has worked so far. Did they mean that lunch invitation? I can ask her again some other time! Sometimes it takes job form keep applying! Given that, being annoyingly hovering seems like no big deal to some people. In other words, the message a lot of awkward guys are getting is that Stalking Works TM , and according to the script, it will make a beautiful girl love him. Once you have a lot of those interactions, it becomes really hard to read between the lines. Do you both the courtesy of being unmistakably direct. The only other thing I would suggest is to clearly establish the friend zone. I like to avoid acknowledging the other person likes me. This is where the awkwardness comes in. Is it super passive-aggressive? I was friends with my boyfriend for five years before we dated—and he was SHOCKED when I asked him out. Once a guy I was dating told me that no guy wants to be friends with a woman, and that all my guy friends secretly wanted to sleep with me. That relationship did not go well. And the theory that men are incapable of being friends with women all straight, of course is predicated on the later, and what I think is flawed, premise. I have a problem with the premise that the majority of men are only friends with women because they want to sleep with them. I think all of those cliche statements stem from the human nature aspect of this, it just gets taken way out into left field most of the time. This female also has other close male friends for years who are also not homosexual. So there is effectively zero possibility. And I still enjoy the friendship. Really it is a bit of hyperbole that guys do not want to be friends with women. I think just hanging out with the opposite gender without your s. And I still hang out with my male friends from before my marriage, but just not as much, and more often with my husband around. The tendency to lean one way or another may be cultural too urban vs suburban cultures, ethnic cultural differences, religion differences, etc. It works for some people, but certainly not for all. From personal experience, I know that they do EVENTUALLY pick up on the hints. We both can pretend the other one had no idea there was anything more than friendship feelings. Now, for the ones that have romantic feelings, I doubt they ever get to 100% nothing more than friendship feelings. As long as we both know it would never work out and have no intention of pursuing it, the matter can drop. There are plenty of guys who can genuinely be just friends with a girl from the beginning. At least that was true when I was in my twenties. I did date some people where I worked mostly engineers, a lawyer, and was also asked out by some guys there I did not go out with. I did not go out with him. That was so uncomfortable when I had to see him at work events. If you do choose to date someone at work, it is very uncomfortable when you stop going out with that person and you see them daily. One person, I dated I ended up marrying and we are still happily married now. It was hard for me to think up a reason to say no and not feel horrible. I just wish there was always a sweet and kind way to do this. You have the right to be safe from this kind of thing at work. You are not the bad guy, and screw that guy if he tries to make you feel bad about his unwanted advances. Mini-Rant: I hate it that society socializes women to be nice because it causes so many awkward situations or worse. I mean sure, people have to be careful and sometimes people are dangerous under the surface — but every one of us who is, or who has ever been, in a romantic relationship started out with attraction before it went anywhere. What I took issue with was the statement that he treat of violence is always there. I interpreted that to mean that every man expressing interest is potentially dangerous and hats not true. The sat majority of men are not violent and interest is just that…no threat involved. Unless the OP has her own office, hovering co-workers is a fact of life. I used to wish I had a bear horn to chase people away from my desk before I had a door. I just think these things can be interpreted differently depending on your pov and I cringe a little bit for all the good and decent men when it feels like the default should be fear for innocuous gestures. That is also an important fact. So yes, I think that is a sexist statement. However, if I was to make a statement like men need to all be wary because women are all crazy and may slash your tires, it would be labelled sexist. Do you feel the need to protect yourself against sexual assault? In fact, ignoring and dismissing and minimizing the fact that women have to face these types of calculations allows this type of behavior to continue. However, I think to say that all men are have the threat of physical violence is a bit of a stretch. If that is really what you think, then there is no changing your mind. I guess at bars every weekend every woman should be scared for her safety if she rejects a guy. Again, I understand all these stats you are mentioning. And I understand that some women have a very valid reason to be very cautious. But again you are making a very bad statement about all men here, and I think the double standard is just ridiculous. Please take your mansplaining somewhere else. It means you may be insulated from effects of NOT being part of that group. And we of that group non-male are trying to tell you is that this is a thing we live with. We know that all men are not evil, and many of them are pretty great. But we also know that we have to watch for those signs of violence, even from men we know, since assault is far more likely from someone I know than from a stranger. Not that we expect to find violence, but we have to be aware. Potential is the capacity, not the likelihood. Female-perpetrated violence against men is grossly under-reported which is a whole other issue with a basis in society norms and gender inequality. I think we ALL need to realize that gay, straight, male, female, transgendered, etc there will always be a threat of violence, emotional abuse, etc and be aware. You are basically telling women not to listen to their instincts and ignore them, this is how women get killed by not trusting their internal warnings. What are the stats violence on women by men? What are the stats of violence on men by women? It happens, we are taught from a young age to look for warning signals. Both are damaging, but one is potentially far more damaging than the other. Maybe men should be afraid of women, also. They represent a third of DV fatalities! Moss is right, it matters who you are facing. Men facing men might feel nervous, but men facing women do not necessarily look around to determine an escape route if necessary. As for the crowded situation, how many women have been groped at a concert, brushed up against to on a train, or stared at when walking past a construction crew? Trust is earned, and too many men in the world have hurt women for me not to be cautious of the opposite sex in ANY situation. A stranger is a stranger, in the case of people you know … you just have to use your judgement on a case by case basis. Part of the whole upthread discussion going on is a lot of generalization. Yes, some generalizations are made because they are trends that we can witness, but we all know that there are exceptions to every rule. This should not be a blog where men tell women when to be afraid. Everyone male and female should know how to avoid the easy to prevent situations. Safety wise, I understand fight or flight, and some people will react in the way of the least conflict. People who are assholes about being rejected are assholes about being rejected however they get the message. She is absolutely the queen of how to say the right thing in those tough situations. She also constantly reminders her Gentle Readers that there is no sin in standing up for yourself. Also, if you can find it, get a copy of her , which covers so many of the topics handled here in AAM. How do you handle the coworkers who comment on your lunch? Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances? Lloyd: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred? I had to get really firm with a guy at work once and it was SUPER awkward because I was 18 and the guy was older. He made so uncomfortable, though, that I had to nip it in the bud. Sometimes you really do have to be that direct. I guess being a very direct person myself in an indirect world makes me a socially awkward girl? To explain my perspective, I do take things literally and at face value. Subtle messages rarely have the intended effect with me. I like who I am and my ability to get to the point. It makes me pragmatic and transparent. I have lots of friends and manage to have healthy romantic relationships that truly appreciate this quality. Just that the techniques could help you pick up on what others were trying to communicate. There are some online resources too that can help. I might focus on teach you to read body language more than words — since the words will vary more in different settings. More people being direct rather then hinting at things is really refreshing when you are lucky enough to get it. They never once came to me and said what bothered them about my behavior or words and instead stewed about it and were resentful until management found an excuse to get me to quit since they saw me as the problem. Current job, people took me at my word and are more direct mostly even with me coping well. This leads to when I am awkward or do or say something wrong, they tell me and I can try to not do it again. I work better with them because they are being more direct even if that means not hanging out with them or not hearing about certain things not work related until later or at all. I still have a couple coworkers who would rather hint and such about them having a problem with me or talk about it behind my back and yes things are difficult with them since they refuse to actually be direct like I have asked. I have a U shaped desk where I sit facing the little U center. My boss, for almost ten years, has walked around my desk and stood over shoulder, and leaned over to look at my monitor thisclose to me. I have asked him not to, and told him that it makes me uncomfortable SO MANY times. Now when he does it I literally yell at him for it. Some people just hear what they want to hear. I have a coworker who does this. He also has told me on a number of occasions that he is hyper-aware of hints people give him to leave their office and he always wants to respect that…but actions speak louder than words I suppose. Especially if he claims to be someone who is aware of signals that people give him. It would be his responsibility to learn how to function appropriately in the workplace. Regarding my situation, the guilty party does not have any such issue—he has a nasty reputation for pushing buttons, crossing boundaries, lying and cheating. This is, of course, assuming they want to get that message. Restroom, coffee, check mail, or some such. I find a professional woman very attractive. As a result, I end up not socializing with most women and stick to the male population. I think it affects my professional relationship with women in the office. Second, you say you are literally unable to view fully half of the population as regular individual humans, to the point that you are not able to interact with them in a normal fashion. If not for the sake of the women you objectify, but for the sake of yourself and your career and your relationship prospects? I do appreciate this post. I realize I left out a big step in my post. Socialize is a poor word choice. They say admiting you have a problem is the first step, right? You could be like some people I know and actually go around trying to hump everything female …. Eric, I strongly urge you to seek some sort of help for your problem. Or wanting to mack on elderly ladies, or your female relatives? If not, you can learn to control yourself when around women you think of as attractive as well. Over the course of several centuries, certain behaviours and ways of thinking have been refined and handed down, and no one can deny the role they play in defining our social norms. In this day and age we are challenging these old mindsets, but that requires direct and honest communication. The only way to move towards a gender equivalent society is if both sides agree to play by the same rules. We see things most clearly from our own perspective, and both sides need to cut each other some slack. Aspergers , or being blinded by hopefulness. Obviously this holds true for men trying to set boundaries with women. Also just to add, I think everyone would like to approach it from this objective stance but often times in practice objectivity gets pushed to the side by the subjectivity of previous experiences. Same with a woman who if she rejected a man and received a negative response from it would be inclined to avoid being direct again. It could be that OP just has not set boundaries. OP, what do your coworkers think? If you can find out that he was helicoptering others, too, then maybe he is just lonely and this is his way. Some people do need many points of contact during the day. Both types of friends are happy with the level of contact. I have worked a couple places where it is nice to have someone to walk out to my car with me. Okay- it was necessary to have someone walk out to my car. Perhaps you can find others willing to walk out with you or perhaps you can build a group of two or three people that will walk out together. Lastly, no, there is no way to tell him something and NOT hurt his feelings. Stop looking for it. What about your feelings of being smothered? What is up with that? If nothing else the boss is not impressed- consider this whole question from the angle of your reputation as a worker and the type of impression the boss may get. In one of these instances, the boy I had asked out actually sent a friend to talk to me and tell me he was not interested. Yes, using an intermediary. Testing: This comment is, as I type it, a reply to Alison 2:07. Do you want to drag the guy along in uncertainty or do you want to be clear and honest with him? I was in a friendly trio with a guy and another girl, same age. The guy ended up being my brother in law, too. The girl went nuts when he refused her advances and never realized her persistance was making things awful. When she realized he was actually dating my sister, it was horrifying and I pretty much cut ties with her because she was trying to get at my sister, too! I have to admit the discussion makes me sad. I am, however, happy to accept if you are trying to make plans as a platonic friend. It helps explain why women often feel the need to be vigilant more than statistical evidence might indicate. Maybe part of what is needed is a clear standard for workplace etiquette. My recollection training about avoiding sexual harassment is that it never dealt with the beginning of dating, although it dealt with pressuring someone to have sex. I have very recently been in this situation, as the guy making the advance. We went to lunch, all seemed good. I was trying hard to be direct, She was trying real hard to beat around the bush. If anyone has any insight on this, I would be Interested in hearing it. Not to mention he comes off a bit strong, and has tried several occasions to get my number, or give me his. It got to the point that an hour before ended and somewhat forcefully gave me his number written on cardboard.

If I stand up and turn, I can see him at his desk. What if he is so blindly in love with this woman you cause him to drink uncontrollably one night and he gets behind a wheel. Con, you said he's kinda nerdy, nerdy guys need a break once in a while, so definitely go out with him and stop making up excuses. From personal experience, I know that they do EVENTUALLY pick up on the hints. At least your coworker is getting a con or she is saying that she is. As critical as touching normally is, unwanted advances can lead to some serious repercussions.